Non Perfectionism - It's ok not have it all
Updated: Feb 8, 2019
So in my “normal” job I work with big retail customers, and one is House of Fraser, you’ve probably heard lots of information in the press about what’s going on with them and their financial struggles. Sign of the times for the high street – but to be honest that’s a whole other blog!!
So we met and they gave a supplier presentation, and it was thought provoking about perfectionism. For them it was about the “every day people”, the cool dads, the different shape and sizes for the women, trendy nans and funky granddads. It was about the way we all strive for being perfect and having it all. Then it had me thinking, can we have it all. Can we have family, friends, healthy lifestyle and a career and I remember this meme I saw...
NO!!!! Of course not, there’s around 19 hours of waking hours for the “normal” person. And to be fair less for people that like sleep!!! This whole “dream” of being everything, having it all and pleasing everyone is totally last millennium and you know what...its ok!!! I know surprising to hear, but who does.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO POST IT, TO PROVE IT
Trust me, those instgram posts from celebrities and the facebook posts from people you used to go to school with...ARE FAKE!!!! No one wakes up at 5am and goes to work and comes home and is a size 10, has no problems in their relationships or family. IT’S NOT TRUE!!!
I know it’s over use of the caps but I don’t know how much more I can hit home to everyone reading this, probably on the loo the 5/10 mins you have alone. What you see is NEVER what you get. So stop pushing for that unattainable dream, stop striving for everything, coz you know what, it’s fucking exhausting!!!!
Those smiles of couples that are out and about all over your social media feeds, plus commenting on how much they are in love, doesn’t show them arguing about who’s taking the bins out, or being aligned when they are discipline their children. Or friends that are travelling the world and posting pictures, doesn’t show behind the scenes them missing their creature comforts or friend/family they haven’t seen.
Or the celebrities, that are perfect when taking selfies, or before they go onto the screen. How it's all smiles and laughing, not the worry of being on trend, or fitting with the image that they have represented for themselves.
There are a few celebrities that really are honest and brutally, they remove the false pretence that others show on social media,
Kristen Bell – she gives a great talk about speaking to her younger self
Dax Shepard – his podcast “armchair expert”, interviews people he knows and he speaks about his life and insecurities, the first ever episode is a chat between him and his wife, Kristen Bell, well worth a listen.
Stacey Solomon – her posts are so funny (look for her video when at Coachella – reminded me of my friends hanging out and doing silly stuff!), but she’s also real about everything
Jameela Jamil – love her silly instagram posts and she’s on a crusade to let people feel ok about their bodes with her @i_weigh profile
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT NOT EVERYTHING
Speaking as a perfectionist and wanting it all, and trying for the last 15-20 years, recently I realised it’s not possible, so let me break down my life....
I suffer from crohns and all the amazing fun stuff that brings (sarcasm)
I work in a demanding role, have decision fatigue and have a lot of pressure, not a 9-5 role and travel 3 days a week
I have a few friends that live generally around 70 miles from where I live
I have a family I love, but grandparents going through dementia and losing their independence, parents that I adore but also require some maintenance, and a brother that rents a room from me and equally needs looking after
Have a boyfriend that has the same general life crisis as I do
Finally a fur baby – my Pomeranian who actually does ask for much apart from cuddles and food!! (que photo! )
So at the end of an 18 hour day, do I feel like I have it all....ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ahahhhaaa haaahaa. (My half normal Amy laugh and other Doctor Evil laugh!!).
Do I miss out on the following?
Going to the gym
Taking a walk
Writing my blog/ recording my podcast / personal development
Watching TV and switching off
**reverts to the Doctor Evil laugh
So what can you do, as this isn’t my everything is shit, everything is pants blog. No, I wanted to be realistic and honest. I’ll be releasing a new podcast within a few days, that’s touches on the subject of time management and how to make more time for you. But again, don’t beat yourself up it might be today or in a week’s time you get to listen to the podcast or read this blog.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the overall solution and I’m no Tinkerbell with a magic wand to make everything better, but sometimes, it’s ok to be selfish and do what you want to do. If you’re a Mum/Dad to however many children, a hard working career women, high flying executive and your trying to put your family and friends needs before yourself and/or feeling overwhelmed. Life is short to worry about putting on a brave face, or to attain the unattable.
IT'S NOT SELFISH TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU
Top 2 Tips for overcoming perfectionism
SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO GO OFF THE GRID AND GET YOUR SOUL RIGHT
Tip 1 –Social Media
Follow the celebrities above or find ones that are real and honest
Remove or hide those friends from your timeline, that you’ve been staring at and thinking you’d like there life
Delete the apps - I know it will be scary at first, but it becomes a lot heard and more hassle to log in via a web browser.
Disable those push notification - you don't need to know what someones commented on your status, or a friend has posted. If it was important they would text or call - yes, they would!!!
Create lists on Facebook and Twitter which contains family and close friends, meaning that you only see that people that you love, your nieces/nephews or family that live in other countries. Meaning you reduce that social clutter, or seeing that someone you went to school with years ago are posting their every movement
IMAGINE IF WE OBSESSED ABOUT THE THINGS WE LOVED ABOUT OURSELVES
Tip 2 - The way we see ourselves
Being self critical, beating yourself up over not meeting your higher expectations, that are set....by....YOU!! Manage those expectations, look, feel and think about you, what can you achieve in your life now.
Self talk - so if you can't cover tip 1, which can be difficult then, when you don't achieve what you set yourself, don't use terms like, "I didn't achieve what I wanted", "Look at Ms Popular, look at how happy they are, and in my relationship we never have photos to show how happy we are", Instead, turn it around, "I did the best I could, and I will achieve everything I can", "OK, I don't have photos that the whole of social media can see, but I have memories that mean more!" Think if your friend told you, what you were thinking, how would you respond to them?
Positive affirmations - don't know about you but my morning routine, is my ritual and is something that is the same pretty much every morning. So round my mirror in my room, I have positive affirmations on post it notes, that I searched through Pinterest, which resonate with me and I need to hear. As my routine is the same every morning, you go into a state of hypnosis, similar to you driving the same route every day, so reading through the affirmations while straightening my hair and finishing getting ready, goes into my subconscious and I re train my brain to positive vibes.
My final word is from House of Fraser, Director of Marketing – Paddy Earnshaw
OUR ENEMY – PERFECTIONISM
“The thing with perfection is that it’s unattainable. Because it doesn’t actually exist. The fear of not being perfect stops us putting things out there it makes it ok to stall, to ask for more opinions to run more tests, it allows you to play it safe and it focuses you to miss opportunities.
Letting go of perfection means you can be Reliable. You can response faster, make changes and grow. The truth is, nothing is perfect. But it can be done!”
If you're still struggling or need help in getting over this perfectionism hump, get in touch with Mission You, we help with life and executive coaching. All about you, and what you want to achieve.
Click the below link to find out more.